Kaworu's Magic Pills
by Concerned Citizen X
Summary: The author's aptempt to write the worst story of the year. I would rate it T for terrible, but M for 'most horrible waste of your time if you feel masochistic enough' sounds more fittng...


I apologize to Anno and Gainax if they ever read this... I am truly sorry... they own it all.

If you were masochistic enough to click on this… then you will be educated on how you shouldn't judge things by 2/4 of the content….

I apologize for this…

* * *

He drank his pill. They felt as awful as always.

He never really thought of himself as a choleric person. In fact, the most common adjectives that were used to delineate his profile were usually: cultivated, genteel and cultured. It was the same thing, in sense, but people always came up with different ways to praise his existence. He appreciated their generous admirations, though he always felt that they exaggerated a bit. In most cases it was truth, he really was a portrait of courtesy, but sometimes his true intentions were masked. As always, he wanted to kill _something_.

It was fine actually, he could control himself properly. One way or another the problem would be settled, in cold blood of course. It was a decision that was written in the stars eons ago.

Manslaughter was sadly his least practiced way of dealing with things, because of certain grumpy superiors that found his surreal desires a bit _difficult _to fulfill. They should've known better when they took him under their wing.

However, this time was different. In this case he would allow an exception. This lady will _die_. It was decided before existence itself, he knew that much.

_But why won't she shut up for a second. Her mouth is like voicemail running on the infinite power supply._

"What a pretty young man you are," The older woman admired in her high-pitched voice, pinching his cheek like a vulture on the dead animal remains. His half-closed eye watered as he brushed her off in protest. "Your mother must be so proud," The woman concluded giving him a light tap on the head.

_Wrong._ Let's get some things clear, shall we? My name is Tabris, and I'm _not_ human. Far from that, I'm actually SEELE's most powerful secret agent, also known as Tabris, the 17th Angel, angel of free will. As stupid as it may sound, I'm still dealing with restrictions. Damn those old farts.

I have a reason to doubt that you've ever heard of me before, my dear elder Lilim. But if you really must know - these days I go with my secret alias - Kaworu Nagisa, the most handsome bishounen pilot in this galaxy, and quite possibly the world.

He appreciated her incorrect, yet irrefutable observation, and took is as a compliment.

"You remind me of my dear husband - Mortimer." The woman informed with her usual discordant voice. She did so launching the waves of spit all across his pale face. He cringed, backing off to clean it off in secrecy. After all, he was taught that politeness is very important.

He sighted, trying to mask his obvious indignation. _That was clearly an insult_…

_Of course I remind you_. Every elder lady tells the same story - It's always your late husband. Why? Is it my grey hair? I'm pretty sure that it's not because of my distinct _red_ eyes? Well, from knowing you this long I wouldn't even be surprised if Mortimer really did bled from his eyes, or ears.

_I should seriously consider dying my hair black. _

"Can I call you Mortimer, young man," The woman asked, taking hold of his hand. Kaworu cringed at the gesture. The sensation of elder skin made his stomach convulse. "Of course you wouldn't mind that, _Mortimer_. Oh, silly me. I never told you about my dear Mortimer. Here." She paused, reaching for her bag. She pulled out a giant ragged book that made Kaworu uneasy. "This is a photo album of my time with my Mortimer, all the way in late 20s."

It was so simple back then when he and his brethren were joined together with Adam. It was _paradise_. They all lived as they wanted, not even bothering with the fracturing and gestation of existence. He nostalgically remembered the times when they lived as pure energy, passing their time dissolving in particles, dancing with their sibship in electrophoresis, polarizing and fissioning each other. He could still remember how his sib Zeruel irradiated him with his superior nucleus. Those were the days…

His temperance was on its limits. He hid his face in his palms to cover his tearing eyes, groaning from the mental pain as he did. Before he sat on his current seat, he sat three rows above with the lady that mistook him for her _precious_ Eugene. The one-sided conversations dragged for hours, depriving him of his most anticipated slumber.

"And this one is from that time in Istanbul. Mortimer _loved_ Turkey," The woman babbled as she continued to turn the pages, telling a story for each one. Rubbing his sore nose, Kaworu started to cry.

Adam, his mother being, was also there. He was always there for him. At times like this, Adam would always pamper him in secular equilibrium. He would forget everything about his worries and tranquilly dissolve into slumber.

Long story short – humans ruined everything.

"And here we are in France," The woman pointed. "It was our honey moon. I'll have to tell you all about it, Morty,"

He took 2 more pills from his stash. _I want to die. _

His day was officially ruined for the 20th time.

* * *

**FROM THE WRITER OF SHIT!**

**AND SHIT 2! **

**Kaworu's Magic Pills**

One-shot by: **Concerned Citizen X**

* * *

Kaworu's neck was still stiff from the uncomfortable plain seats. Being unable to properly stretch he was forced to endure the occasional cramps. His arrival was scheduled in hour or so due to some delays, so he still had some time to find peace. He slowly reached for the service button, trying not to disturb older lady's peaceful slumber. That was probably going to last… forever. Thank science for tranquilizers, lots of them. In fact, he was very good with the pills. He always wanted to become a doctor. He could cure the people he liked and transcribe the lethal dose of medications to the ones he didn't.

Only way to reach the button was to bend over her, which was not a good idea, people might get wrong impression. If someone caught him bending over the sleeping lady in the plane it would result in very awkward explaining. He gave up after few failed attempts to reach it safely. Slowly moving away, he leaned back onto his seat and let his mind drift. Peaceful sleep wasn't about to happen in near future. After all, his plane was lowering, which could even start the turbulence that would discomfort him even more. He didn't like to ferry this way, but he had no other choice because of his limits. Secret agents really did have a tough life.

He pulled his smart phone out and checked his schedule for the upcoming week. He was attending a lot of activities. He had violin performance; later on he would visit Prague, and so on. Passing through all the dates he found one that was happening in two days. December 16th.

_Oh, right. I'll like… destroy the world that day. Damn. It kind of ruins my schedule for the next week._

Having nothing better to do, Kaworu reached for his backpack and found his mission manuals. He had everything from pilot's mental profiles to the machinery in the lowest parts of NERV. He already passed through all of them at least two times. One more wouldn't hurt him. Preparation was, after all, everything in his line of work.

He got bored to death reading the other pilot's profiles. Pilot Asuka was not even significant to the mission, pilot Rei even less. He asked SEELE for permission to desecrate the First Child but his superior found the idea unacceptable, for some reason. What a shame. Only person that mattered something was Shinji Ikari, the boy that was supposed to kill him, if that was even theoretically possible. Yet, It made him breathe at ease. Something fun would happen after all.

He waved to passing stewardess that was trailing a service buffet as she checked up on the passengers. He clapped his arms to summon her. After a short while she arrived at his seat.

"Do you need anything, mister?" She half-whispered trying not to wake the older woman.

"Bag of peanuts, please,"

"Here you go, mister," The woman said, giving him the bag. "That will be 5 dollars."

"Excuse me?" Kowaru asked in confusion, raising his eyebrow.

"5 dollars, sir," the woman repeated, making a puzzled face.

"B-but peanuts are f-free?" He stammered, looking at her extended hand that demanded money.

"Not anymore, sir. Due to lot of expenses on behalf of Tokyo-3 government issued some new laws for collecting money. Peanuts are just one of the causalities of recent crisis."

"B-but…" He halted, since the woman showed no remorse whatsoever. Her hand was still demanding money in anticipation. He reached for his wallet and handed her the bill, not even bothering with the tip.

"Thank you sir,"

He regretted his enrolment in the Lilim society.

His pride was at stake, yet so was the mission. If he took liberty to swipe her head clean it would result in some grave consequences. He swallowed and settled with a mere sheepish nod. If he found some time, he noted to himself to write an angry e-mail to Japanese prime minister, and send a dead kitten in his mailbox. Just to be sure that he got the message.

He took another pill. His supply was very low. Soon, he would have to demand the new one. He usually used tranquilizers as a backup, though he used all of them on his fellow passenger. He regretted nothing.

He started to wonder about something. Why did he even have to be humane if he was not even human? For all he cared he could swipe the damn plain down and pass the blame on technical issues. World was going to end anyway, though for some reason he never acted on his whims. Must have been the part of his education, at least he took some pride in _that_.

Sure, Keel did teach him how to dissolve humans with AT-field. He never really understood why they insisted the practice on cats, but he liked it anyways. It took it for what it was – a training season. They were a lot more fun than the cultural lesions, and far more intriguing than emotional manipulation classes. However, they were also fun in their own way. It was a shame that he never got a field practice until now.

He relaxed onto his chair. The kids in the back row were noisy as ever and German couple in front still bored him to death with their babbles of their immortal love. Only thing he could do was to pluck in his earphones and hope for at least a second of sleep.

The lady on his right was still sleeping, as he liked to call it. He checked out her pulse just to be sure if he did the job properly. Thankfully, there was no pulse. Even though he doubted that she even had it in the first place, he took it as down, two billion to go.

He spent of the way listening to Moonlight Sonata, his favorite song. It fitted his mood perfectly.

**XXX**

It felt good to finally breathe some fresh air. Finally stretching, he took some time to relax and do some sightseeing. The weather in Tokyo-3 was fairly nice. It wasn't too cloudy, or too sunny. It was a perfect weather for a good afternoon walk.

Strolling around the town disappointed him. It was probably because of his dear brothers who left their marks all over the place. He remained still for a bit to inspect a different part of town he was in. It was half-devastated scenery of what used to be the admirable city of Tokyo-3. He recognized some of Ramiel in it, some Sahaquiel and a hell lot of Zeruel.

On the second thought, he decided to consider it as something that came out of Cubism and give it a passing grade. It did look nice from this angle.

He returned to his previous location to catch his ride, feeling a bit better.

**XXX**

He checked in at NERV. He met a bunch of technicians, officers and scientists. Basically, there was no one even mildly interesting. He remembered that Doctor Ritsuko Akagi gave a strong odor of kittens, which was not his favorite smell. SEELE was sadly quite abhorrent to killing humans for the sake of his practice. Instead, they insisted on animals, and especially kittens. He could never figure it out.

Next one was Captain Misato Katsuragi, who was also a boring person. One moment in her presence could easily depress you if you were easily influenced. She masked her grief quite well, in fact, it was quite commendable. She probably lost something dear to her, but it was none of his concern. To be precise he barely cared for one insignificant woman in distress.

Next in line were the most important NERV techs, which were so interesting that he couldn't even remember their names correctly. Together, they made one of the most boring triplets he had ever seen, or heard of.

He drank at least 3 pills in his short-term visit. He didn't really care at the point, since the whole trip was more than frustrating.

Unable to find Ikari Shinji, he got bored and decided to visit a newly formed LCL lake. He had to admit to himself, Zeruel really did some impressive work. His brother was a true artist when destruction was his tool. Kaworu's talents were not in destruction; on the contrary, his strength was in control, of both himself and his terror essence, AT-field.

On the shore he had a quick chit chat with SEELE. They babbled something about hope, among the other things Kaworu couldn't muster any energy to listen to. Bottom line: they weren't complaining about anything, so he could ignore them for the time being.

Kaworu strolled down the lake, enjoying his sightseeing. Wondering how it would look from above, he climbed on top of a ruined statue, since he was prohibited of flight. He knew that there were at least 3 S-2 agents on his trail all the time, NERV sure was cocky. If they caught him, he would be in big trouble, and SEELE hated when he got himself into one. They always did cover for him, but their scolding lasted for decades. Foolish old Lilim were far too young to even dare to discipline him, though they did serve their purpose. After all, they acknowledged Angels as the true successors of the lost White Moon and helped their cause. They offered him education and all necessary recourses, along with many other useful things. He was grateful for _that_, which in the end made him to accept their refined wishes.

"Zeruel really did know how to crush things," Kaworu admired as he observed the crater. Behind him, the lone figure stood looking at the same scenery. What a coincidence. Kaworu recognized the boy instantly. It was Ikari Shinji, his apparent slayer. He had to leave a good impression.

He remained silent to eavesdrop on boy's monologues.

"Everyone, including Toji and Kensuke, lost their homes and left." The boy mumbled to himself, throwing the rocks in the LCL Sea. Kaworu could still hear him. " My friends… I don't have anyone I can call a friend now. There's no one. I can't go see Ayanami. I don't even know if I have courage for it. I don't even know how I should face her. Asuka, Miss Misato, Mother… what should I do?"

Kaworu made a sly smile. _This will be easy_…

He started to hum Ode of Joy. For some reason it appeared to be more fitting than Moonlight Sonata. Since he knew every detail of Shinji's life, he also knew that music was his usual way of escaping reality, and Kaworu decided to turn it to his advantage.

_This approach should suffice. Bitches love Ode of Joy_…

The other boy noticed him and approached with care. He closely listened to his humming, which meant that his impression was successful. Soon after he would engage in more direct conversation and befriend him for the needs of his cause.

Both strategizing and bobbing his head with the rhythm made him loose his balance and fall off the ruined statue. He fell directly on his bottom, right into the LCL liquids. Both his shorts and underwear were soaked.

_Oh, poppycock…_

"Are you ok?" The other boy shouted, rushing to his side. It was surprising that the boy showed no second thoughts about jumping in himself. Shinji grabbed him under his armpits and helped him get up.

"Yes, thank you," Kaworu replied, giving him a bright smile. They both climbed back to the shore. _And there goes my cool guy entrance_…

"You're soaked, you should get a change of clothes," The boy informed with concerned voice. "You could catch a cold if you stay like this."

"No need to worry about me, Ikari Shinji. I never catch a cold," Kaworu replied waving his hands. Even though his entrance was ruined he could still make him succumb in thousand other ways. It was common that he saw progression patterns just by getting the first impression. After all, he was trained especially for that.

The other boy remained puzzled. "My name…"

"Everyone knows your name, silly. I don't want to be rude, but I think you should be little more aware of your situation."

"You think so?" Shinji hesitated. "Who are you?"

"I'm Kaworu, Kaworu Nagisa. One of the children that's part of the design, just like you. I'm the Fifth Child."

_I sound mysterious, and exotic_…

Shinji was taken aback. "The Fifth Children? You are? Nagisa?"

_Adam, Tabris, reaper… whatever floats your boat_.

"You can just call me Kaworu, Ikari." He replied, giving him a warming smile, just to be sure that he appeared friendly enough. _Take the bait Lilim_…

"You can call me Shinji too."

_Huzzah. Operation 'friendship' successful. It was too easy…_

**XXX**

_Please kill me, _he though, swallowing yet another pill.

Kaworu realized that befriending Ikari was not a good idea as he originally thought. Far from that, the boy was even worse than elder Lilim ladies. Shinji went on and on about his life, boring him to death. It was not because he was annoying person; his whining about his problems was as boring as hell. Sure, from what he heard he could infer that his life was indeed crappy, but he could also swear that the boy exaggerated for dramatic appeal.

Shinji seemed to be lost at first, but soon after he received some pretty words he started to spill his soul all over the place.

Kaworu stopped listening a while ago. Maybe he did say something interesting, but he would never know. His energy supply was very low, and it was diminishing by seconds. All he could manage was to nod and confirm whatever Shinji said.

"- and then Asuka. She is so-"

_Oh, please. Just. Stop talking about your comatose girlfriend. Please. It's agonizing._

Kaworu barely endured it. The young Lilim was even worse than SEELE. The time passed with continuous complains about the Second Child. He suddenly felt like he could give him permission to kill him. It would still be better faith than this.

"And then Ayanami. She is so confusing-"

_No more. Please. Stop this. _

"-Shinji," Kaworu interrupted, recieving a confused glare from the boy. "I have to go somewhere. I believe I'm scheduled for some medical checkup. Why don't we meet later?"

"Sure," The boy replied. Noticing that Kaworu was nowhere in sight.

**XXX**

Kaworu escaped as fast as he could. When he felt that he slipped far enough he went to the vending machine to grab something to drink with his pill. After the refreshment, he started to stroll around the base. He already memorized all the hallways and passages for his future plans. Tomorrow he would infiltrate the central dogma and destroy the world. He couldn't wait.

As he continued his walk someone unwanted entered his aura. He twitched as he turned to face his natural enemy.

"Hello there," Kaworu greeted with hint of spite in his voice.

"Good day, pilot Nagisa." The blue haired girl replied.

_How dare she call me by my mortal name? Does she know no shame?_

They remained looking at each other for some time. Kaworu had absolutely nothing to say to the girl, she appeared to be in the same position. It would be more fun if he could use his AT-field to cut her in half for treacheries of her mother being. Sadly, SEELE especially stated that he mustn't harm her in any way. They made it even more tempting.

"I'll be going now," The girl informed, walking past him. Kaworu ignored her and also returned on his previous course.

_Her existence is pointless_, he concluded. It was almost tragic. She served as an avatar of Lilith, who had a power equal to Sachiel – and that was way too low. If she ever did, by some lucky chance, get in his way, he would be more than willing to demonstrate his century old spite towards the treacherous second Angel.

After a while he got bored. There was nothing interesting in the whole facility. Not even knowing why, he decided to search for Shinji. Maybe he could make him do something fun.

**XXX**

"Hi, were waiting for me?" Kaworu asked, waving to the boy sitting on the bench.

The other boy blushed. "No, I was… umm."

"It's ok, Shinji-kun," Kaworu assured. The boy was like a little baby kitten. You showed them some kindness and they follow you forever. At least until you strangle them in cold blood. "No need to be shy with me, after all, I am your friend."

"Yeah, thank you,"

"Oh, you don't need to thank me for that." Kaworu said, tapping him on the head. "You are weird, Shinji-kun."

"Sorry."

Kaworu chuckled. "Come on, Shinji. Let's do something fun."

The boy looked at him in wonder. "What do you want to do, Kaworu-kun?"

_Destroy the world._

"I don't know… "He replied simply. "…Is there something interesting around here?"

The boy shrugged. "I'm not sure. I really don't like being here a lot. It's either fighting monsters or doing tests."

_Those are my brothers you are talking about, nitwit_.

"Yeah, I could agree with that." He replied as something caught his gaze. "You know what Shinji? Why don't we take a bath together?" He suggested pointing at the entrance. The other boy blushed madly at his proposal. "You had a synchronization test. I can tell from the LCL smell on you. Come on. I could really use some relaxation. What do you say?"

"I-I don't know…"

"Oh, silly. Are you scared because I'm a boy?" Kaworu teased.

The boy waved his hands. "N-no you got it wrong…"

"Okay then. Then there are no problems."

The boy sighted in defeat. Kaworu just smiled and lead him to the shower rooms.

**XXX**

_Damn. He is bigger than me_.

Kaworu observed his tool, wondering about the boy's orientation. He understood that his presence involved a lot of reactions, but he got surprised every once in a while. Shinji noticed him starting and turned to cover himself, blushing as tomato as he did.

"What's wrong Shinji-kun?" Kaworu asked in confusion.

"It's embarrassing…." The boy replied meekly.

"Why would it be, it's not like I'll jump over and rape you," Kaworu joked. Shinji, still in doubt, backed a bit. _This is amusing…_

Kaworu chuckled as his companion slowly slipped away. "Relax, Shinji-kun. I won't do anything funny."

_I have standards._

"O-okay… sorry." Shinji replied, resuming his peaceful showering.

"Still, be careful not to drop the soap."

"Kaworu-san!" Shinji exclaimed in horror.

Kaworu fell on his bottom from laughing. "Relax, Shinji-kun. Your anus is completely safe."

He never understood why Lilim were usually abhorrent to homosexual, polygamous and bisexual relations. Sex wasn't just an act of Lilim reproduction. It was also used to reduce stress and relive them of their desires. In that case, homosexual relations didn't result in reproduction and were easier to perform. So they should, by all logic, be practiced instead of heterosexual. It was something lewd Lilim did since the beginning of their existence, so he never really understood why they made such sanctity of the act. His enrolment in Lilim society taught him that his reasoning was not acceptable, for some barely explained reason. It was something that the Angels didn't need, so he had a hard time reasoning with it. Lilim always gave love higher importance. He found that ideal completely absurd. It was just a mixture of desires centered in one person, nothing more.

Kaworu felt humored every time his companion gave him a secret glance. His uncertainty and suspiciousness was humorous since Kaworu knew that he could probably seduce him at any time. The boy was lost, and he was probably the only person he could turn to. He could pity him all he wanted but he still had obligation to his kin.

"You're so delicate, like glass, especially your heart."

"Me?"

_No, the other guy_…

"Yes, you have my regard for it." Kaworu explained.

Shinji was still clueless. "Regard?"

_Damn it Shinji. _

Kaworu gave him a warm smile. "It means that I love you, silly."

**XXX**

"I really don't understand you Kaworu-kun," Shinji said sheepishly, under the protection of his sheet. He could hear a silent sigh from Kaworu's part of the bed.

Kaworu turned to face the boy. "What is the problem, Shinji-kun?"

"I don't understand why you are so nice to me?"

Kaworu shrugged, closing his eyes. _To make my mission easier by making you love me, so you don't raise a finger on me when I betray you_…

Kaworu smiled at the boy, who still waited in anticipation. "Do I even need a reason? I simply like you for whom you are, or are you trying to imply that I'm hiding something. I don't know what you're taking me for."

"I didn't mean it like that…" The boy apologized, burying his face in his sheet. "Sorry, I'm so stupid sometimes."

"It's nothing, Shinji-kun." Kaworu assured, giving him a wide smile. "You don't have to be so tense all the time. If something is bothering you I'm all ears."

_Because I can sleep with my eyes open._

"Thank you, Kaworu-san," The boy replied, feeling more relaxed. "You are such a good friend."

"I know, I know… Now, tell me all about what's bothering you."

"Well, I was think-"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**XXX**

"Kaworu-san?" The boy asked worryingly. "You are acting really strange. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Of course I am. I am perfectly fine," Kaworu shouted through the dim halls, pointing at his face.

"Umm… Kaworu I'm over here," Shinji replied behind his back. "…that's vending machine."

"Of course I knew that!" The boy corrected himself, turning back to the source of the voice. _Dam it I ran out of pills_. "It's okay. It really is. I just need to calm down." He suddenly kicked the vending machine. "It's _not_ ok! Why is this machinery so complicated? If number 1 is for macchiato why is it pouring with frappuccino? And I didn't want any milk! I need my notorious crispy chocolate!"

Shinji just nodded, stepping away a bit. Kaworu noticed him slipping away and pulled him by his collar.

"Shinji!" Kaworu called. "I don't blame you for anything, so stop running away from me. I'm perfectly _fine_. This machine was made by minds far more wicked than yours. It was created in the hottest depths of hell itself. You see, it was florists all along, those wicked bastards. We need to strike back!"

The boy waved in protest. "Kaworu- san I think you shou-"

"Silence!" He interrupted, pulling the boy closer. "Can't you hear them laughing?" He whispered. "I knew it. We are completely surrounded."

"By who?"

"The mustached ninjas…they took my pills." Kaworu replied dramatically, pushing the boy behind the wall. "They are on our trail. We must fall back to the sugar cane factory. Princess Elizabeth must be warned. If not, the whole platypus kingdom might meet its economic end. "

"Kaworu-san, ninjas don't exist…" Shinji replied dumbly.

"They took ur duuurrrr" Kaworu durked.

In spur-of-the-moment Shinji slapped him, hard. The other boy backed away from the impact, nursing his cheek. He was back in reality.

"Damn. You didn't have to slap me so hard." Kaworu whined.

"Kaworu-san you were loosing it, for some reason." The boy replied worryingly. "I'm really sorry, but something is wrong with you. You should seriously go see Doctor Akagi."

After a brief moment, Kaworu sighted. "You are right. I'm really, really sorry for this. It's my pills actually. Damn those pills. I feel really dumb right now." He apologized with a small blush, rubbing the back of his head. "In my moment of madness I almost forgot what was important to me, and I really feel bad for it. You will have to pardon my sorry ass. I was the pathetic one all along."

Shinji nodded in approval, this was the Kaworu-san he liked.

"You know what? I think I misjudged you at first. Truth is; you're a really good kid, and a really special friend to me. I am really glad I met you."

Shinji's eyes started to tear up.

"I'll admit it, I was very dishonest with you, and I'm really sorry for that, but when you slapped me I remembered my true purpose in this world. What truly matters, what's really important is… destruction of this world."

"I'm glad- wait! What?"

"I almost forgot my true purpose." Kaworu spoke, cleaning his teary eye. He felt exceptionally emotional. "Thank you Shinji, I could never do it without you."

"I'm… Kaworu-san…?"

The boy was soon left speechless after witnessing what was probably the conjuration of the most powerful AT-field up to date. Kaworu used it to slice open the whole Evangelion docks; it almost felt like he was doing it casually. He started to fly. Yes, to boy's complete astonishment, his grey haired companion started to walk on the air, right into the containers.

Kaworu found his requisite ally - Unit 02. He didn't like the fact that he had to enter in co-op relations with the abomination that was made from his precious mother being, but prophecies were sadly carved in stones. The wretch soul didn't resist at all. It's presence from the red giant's core was gone, for some reason. He didn't care, it was his toy now. He used the fragment of Adam's soul and imposed it upon giant's vacuous core.

Shinji still observed the following in utmost horror. Even when he pinched himself and realized that he was not dreaming, he still remained skeptical. After all, seeing someone slice the 2 meter thick walls with a wave of his hand was not an every day occurrence.

"Shinji" Kaworu called the dumbfounded boy. "So, what do you say? End of the world, you and me? A buddy? It will be an adventure!"

Shinji fainted.

"Now, don't be an asshole. You could've just said no." Kaworu scolded in disbelief, shaking his head. "Well then. Someone needs to get rid of all the ninjas. BY HIMSELF! If you feel like it come and find me. I'll be… killing stuff."

The grey haired boy started to advance in central dogma with his metal companion.

_Bitch I'm crazy_…

And so, this fic lost every bit of sense…

**XXX**

Kaworu recalled something from his past, as retarded as it may sound, bit I'm still using those as device. And yeah. Since madness swallowed everything, the fourth wall is breached.

Anyway.

In his flashback he recalled something about Keel talking, and his boner was instantly gone as soon as the old man's ugly face popped in his mind. It was something about how moon affects on Angel's state of mind… yeah… since it's their natural inhabitant and stuff, and it also affects humans… Lilim… whatever. It's science… Kaworu could make some sense of it in his monologues but he's too mad to even care. Yeah, those pills were quite important.

He casually floated downwards into the dogma, while his metal companion did his dirty work. If by some chance you still didn't notice, but Kaworu tends to get bored pretty fast, so he decided to slice the doors by himself. After all, he does have the most powerful AT-field around.

"Whoosh! Whooosh!" Kaworu liked to produce the sound when he was doing his slicing. It kind of feels natural. And to be honest I'm not really that sadistic to write about slicing doors… I mean seriously?

"Whooosh! Whooosh!"

Ah. I kind of forgot something. Oh yeah.

Shinji suddenly entered the scene in his overly-powerful-godly-world eating-motherly-pile of murder, also known as Unit 01.

"Kaworu stop!" He shouted, sounding as someone who he fell out from Shakespearian drama. "How could you? How could you lie to me? You were the final Angel all along?"

"How did you figure that out?" Kaworu screamed in horror, turning to face his assailant. "I told no one."

"You have been lying to me the whole time," Shinji spoke with bitter voice, barely controlling his voice. "Did you lie to me when you said that you love me? Was that also a lie? Answer me?"

And so the shitty drama takes place….

"Shinji you don't understand my feelings. You never did." Kaworu replied with teary eyes, obviously. Moment ago he got depressed by realizing that he would never grow mustache. He envied those ninjas. Wait, Kaworu was saying something - "I always thought that you cared about me. I tricked myself to believe that you might accept me for what I am. I was wrong. All men are pigs. I can't believe that you are no different than the others. I had so much hope in you, I loved you."

Shinji backed off a bit, because this is so damn dramatic. "Really?" He asked dumbly. "I never knew you felt that way. Maybe… we can work this out? I can change!"

"It's no use… it too late." Kaworu replied in tears, hiding his eyes with his forearm.

"Don't say that," Shinji shouted. "Kaworu-san! It's never too late. I still love you!"

"Don't say those words. You don't understand, Shinji."He replied, burying his face in his palms. "I'm pregnant." On no he didn't…

Shinji fainted.

Kaworu made a wicked smile. _That'll put him off_…

So, he continued with his previous occupation.

Whoosh x10 later…

"Ah, the smell of victory," Kaworu admired as he set foot in the central dogma, the deepest pit of NERV. It was as shitty as above, though this place was only used several times, so it's really not that bad. I mean, Eva graveyard sounds pretty cool when you think about it. Dam it. Back to Kaworu - "Somehow… it smells… awful. Is this really Adam… wait a minute. What is this insolence?"

He noticed a figure he remembered from a long, long ago… oh it somehow felt nostalgic. He hurried up to her side, bearing the wickedest of smiles.

"Hello there," He greeted the giant before him. His metal companion rested on the ground, since it's completely useless in this part of the story.

_Adam? Is that really you?_

He grinned like a fool. "Guess again?"

_Tabris? Oh, hell NO!_

"Missed me, Lilith?" Kaworu asked sarcastically, not even bothering to mask the spite in his voice. "No need to hug your old friend. Oh wait, I forgot that you're crucified?" He laughed like an idiot. "How convenient is that. No hands!"

_Stop laughing. It's not funny. _

He giggled in the air. "Oh, it IS." He replied, raising his hand. "Come on Lily. High five? Oh, wait." He continued to laugh in her giant metallic face.

_You're such a dick, Tabris_…

"What was that? I'm sorry but I can't hear you from that horrid mask on your face. No, sorry it IS your face!"

_Stop. Please. Just go away._

"Like you left us? You treacherous woman? Never! I will enjoy this till your ears melt."

_I can't believe you're still mad about that… look I already explained at least million times. Me and Adam… it's not the same anymore… I don't feel as I used to. We are done… forever_… _so please, give up. I'm sick of you and your brothers trying to get us back together, and doing so by killing thousands of my children. Please. Just stop already. _

And yeah, the worst plot twist on the revealed itself. I can already hear the sounds of people clicking "X"… it was fun…

"Are you trying to say that my brothers died for nothing?" Kaworu said in disbelief, floating away from the white giant. "How could this be?"

_Well, SEELE tricked all of you… duhhhh… it was damn obvious all along. I can't believe that you actually believed that I still had a thing for Adam… I mean seriously?_

"Yeah," Kaworu admitted. "I felt a little suspicious when they all died… hmmm…"

Oh wait. I forgot something again… and so the drama continues.

Shinji, once again, steps in the scene and shit gets real… again.

"Kaworu!" Shinji shouted dramatically, his Eva roared with him, for some reason. I don't even know myself.

"How could you do this," The boy continued in disbelief. "You can't destroy the world like this. You might hurt the baby!"

_What is he talking about?_

"Don't worry, darling," Kaworu assured. "The baby is safe and sound, and I already picked a name for it. Do you want to hear it?"

Shinji blinked in surprise, coming closer. "Yes, of course."

"Whoosh!"

"Kaworu-san," The boy spoke from decapitated Unit 01. "…that name is terrible."

_Wow… Tabris….such a dick move_ …

Kaworu laughed in maniacal triumph. "It's good to be me! And now you'll have to excuse me. I just remembered that I have a world to destroy. Thank you Shinji, if it wasn't for you I might have forgotten all about it. Soooo… cya."

_Wait! Don't leave me here_…

He was already gone.

_Damn it, Tabris. _Lilith mentally sighted. She was all alone again, sure Shinji was there but he was too concerned for the baby to care. Lilith didn't want to snoop.

_Oh…damn … so where was I? Oh… 30413844143546.1352135635163516146686946__th__ Mississippi…. No it was 134135324243- ah… dam it Tabris…. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi_…

Meanwhile.

Tabris is doing 'haters goona hate' walk around the NERV base, searching for his mother being that is inconveniently in possession of the most powerful man on the Earth. It's no biggie. Without Shinji he is useless as fuck… oh right, there are some NERV guards, but seriously? Did those guys ever do anything? I'm giving them credit just by mentioning them…

"Whooosh! Whoosh!"

And they're all dead…

Suddenly Captain Misato Katsuragi rushes into scene, armed to teeth with at least dozens of S-2 agents, the most skilled secret agents in the world. Misato Katsuragi was the woman that dedicated her life to military and fighting against Angels. She was an exceptional tactician and true artist with gu-

"Whoosh!"

God dam it, Kaworu! Stop killing good characters!

"What?" He asked dumbly. "It's not like she was even plot-wise."

Yeah. Whatever. I still hate you….

Suddenly Doctor Ritsuko Akagi bursts onto the scene, carrying a giant ghost busters like machine on her back. She was an exceptional scientist, a praiseworthy technician and a woman of great knowledge of Angels. If anyone could come up with somet-

"Whoosh!"

"…"

"U mad?" Kaworu asked smilingly.

Nah. Honestly, I never really liked her…

This is a good opportunity to point out that Kaworu wasn't the only one drinking magic pills…

And why am I talking to characters… ughhh. Oh what the hell, like you wouldn't want to talk with mad Kaworu. Just admit it.

Anyways.

30 Whooshes later Kaworu managed to kill every single man and woman in NERV. He did it on purpose. I could swear that he knew where Gendo is all along.

He finally found Gendo Ikari, the most powerful man in the whole world. He was hiding under the tea table in cafeteria. Kaworu wins the game of hide and seek… huray!

"Hello, Gendo!" The boy replied removing the table. The man just observed in disbelief, shaking like he was stroke by lightning.

"Whooosh!"

That was his other arm… Kaworu?

"I know," The boy replied proudly. "… Don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing. "Whoosh!"

Emm… Kaworu?

"What? He doesn't need it anymore."

Suit yourself….

40 Whooshes later Kaworu destroyed every part of Gendo's body that was not Adam.

He embraced his lost mother, devoured it and the Thrid Impact started….

Hurray!

* * *

**EPILOGUE (WUT)** Yeah this story obviously needs one… wait… it gets shittier….

Kaworu, the all mighty self-proclaimed demigod of Milk, Fabulousness, Sodomizing pregnancy, Fertility and Dance descended upon the ruins oh the Earth.

I feel ashamed for not using 'fabulous' too much when I speak about Kaworu… I dunno it doesn't feel right. Let's be honest, the guy is fabulous.

"Silence!" Kaworu interrupted fabulously. "I'm sick of you, meddling Lilim Author."

Just call me C.C. like everyone else does….

"No! From now on I'm exiling you from this fic. There can be only one fabulous being in here!"

Hey it's not- wait! You think I'm fabulous? :3

"Whooosh!"

I'll be baaaaackkkkK!

Kaworu fabulously scanned his surroundings. In his fabulousness he noticed that the Earth looked kind of… dead. The skies were red, the seas were red, and there was no life… He got bored. He snapped his fingers and summoned Shinji, plants, mountains, clean seas… blah.

Shinji fell on his butt from sheer nothingness. "Ow! Wait! I'm alive…"

"Yes, yes you are, Shinji." Kaworu greeted him in his glorious fabulousness. "I've chosen you to be the first one of my new race… since I really like you. Anyways. I'll call you Adams… yeah."

The boy observed him dumbly. "Wait what?"

"I herby proclaim you the king of the world, and I'll name you Shinji the Great," He replied coughing. He didn't feel that creative. Shinji kind of liked the title. "You will do my bidding by… well, living in this world and repopulating it with… umm… wait I forgot something."

"Kaworu-dono, I'm not really sure about this…"

"Aha!" Kaworu exclaimed in his moment of epiphany. "I need to find you a suitable mate. Say Shinji? Is there any particular woman that you want?"

Shinji shrugged. "I'm not sure… could you bring Asuka back?"

"Of course I can!" Kaworu informed, snapping his fingers.

Out of sheer nothingness, Asuka emerged.

"Asuka," Said Asuka, scratching the back of her head in monkey-like manner.

"I didn't mean mentally retarded Asuka," Shinji protested. "Could you please undo the mental damage done by your brother?"

"Of course," Kaworu replied, snapping his fingers damn fabulously. "…There all fixed."

Asuka shook her head. She scanned her surrounding until her gaze became locked on Shinji. "It's your entire fault, stupid Shinji. How could you allow this to happen, you useless dweeb? It's your fault that I was mind-raped by an angel. If missy didn't run away it could be avoided. But no, his emotions matter. Boo hoo. I'm sick of you Shinji, how pathetic can you even get. I always told Misato how pathetic you truly are. But NO, you were always her favorite. And was I wrong? Just look at the what you did of the world for God's sake-"

"Kaworu-dono…" Shinji whispered.

"I thought you'd never ask…" Kaworu replied, clapping his hands. To be honest clapping hands is more fabulous.

"Asuka?" Asked Asuka dumbly.

"All done," Kaworu admired. "Are you good, Shinji?

"Nah. This would be weird. Can I get someone else? I was thinking about-"

"-Wait!" Kaworu exclaimed in yet another one of his fabulous epiphanies. "I know exactly who you need!"

He clapped his fingers and suddenly one blue hared girl popped up.

"Ayanami?" Shinji asked in wonder, rushing to help the girl.

"Wrong!" Kaworu spoke smilingly. "Hello, Lilith."

Lilith, who was inconveniently in Rei's body, shook her head. "Ow… what the hell…oh…"

"How are you feeling, you treacherous fiend." Kaworu asked in fabulous tone, crossing his arms.

"I've been worse…" The previous Angel replied, scanning her body. She realized that she was finally free from that horrid cross, and on top of everything she was in pretty sweet teenage girl body. She smiled. _This can't get any better_…

"Asuka?" Asuka exclaimed scratching her butt.

"Good." Kaworu nodded, obviously as fabulous as ever. "From this day onward you will be part of my new race - Adams. You will live on this planet with Shinji, that boy ever here." He pointed, Lilith greeted with a nod, and Shinji did the same. "And so, you will act as his slave and bear his children, later on I will summon some more humans so you wouldn't get extinct… blah, blah do you get what torment I'm putting you into?"

"Oh… definitely… please don't," Lilith pleaded in sarcasm. She looked at Shinji and waved, cleaning her drool with her other arm. The boy just waved dumbly? "How could you be so cruel...?"

"I don't' want to be rude but… what happened to Rei?" Shinji asked worryingly.

"Asuka," Asuka spat angrily on the mention of Rei's name… for some reason.

"Who's Rei?" Kaworu asked dumbly.

"Yeah, who's Rei?" Lilith asked, also dumbfounded.

Shinji sighted in defeat. "Umm… never mind…"

"Shinji is your left-wing ding-bat Nancy Pelosi?" Kaworu asked.

Shinji nodded. "Refrigerator!"

Kaworu cleansed his throat. "Citizens of Kawoearh, from this day forward-"

Shinji was surprised when someone started to cling onto his arm. Lith sniffed him and shivered. Her drool was all over his shirt. "Say Shinji, why don't we leave him to talk all her wants and go make babies somewhere in privacy?"

Shinji shrugged. "Um… okay."

They carefully slipped away and left Kaworu talking about some important stuff about prophecies…calendar… religious events…

"Asuka," Asuka barked at Lilith… for some reason. She went after them, like a solemn ghoul-human she was.

And so the shittiest story of this year finally ended…. Wait! Oh yeah, I'm back…

* * *

**CONCLUSIONS** (wait? It gets shittier?) Damn right, son!

If it's believable enough Shinji and Lilith found happiness… in like 5 minutes after the ending of the prologue. They spent their days in giant mansion Kaworu gave them for their anniversary. All they ever had to do was to pray for the fabulousness of mighty Kaworu, and do stuff… It was very romantic and blah, blah, blah… no one wants to get bored by happy love story. But anyways, they lived happily ever after, and had many beautiful children… Important thing is: Shinji x Lilith works… apparently….

And yeah, Kaworu decided to resurrect them shortly after their death. He wanted to prolong Lilith's torment… such a great job he did….

Asuka, who was Lilith's personal slave and Shinji's newspaper deliverer … well, she never found love. But hey! She found out that woman can't masturbate with the cactus. Silly Asuka…

No worries, Kaworu resurrected her, probably because he found it too hilarious and wanted to see it again. She died happily because she was well…retarded.

Rei was soon forgotten, together with the rest of the cast…

Kaworu, our favorite deity, had a whole Insturmentality as his plaything. I would write about what he did… but I am seriously not that mad… there was something about kittens… it's always about kittens with Kaworu…

Children, if doctor tells you to drink your pills - drink that damn pills.

* * *

**THE END!** (hurray!)

* * *

**AN:** / (Wait! Isn't the whole second part AN?)

Apparently not… so, what to say? I apologize for this… if I didn't do so 3 times already.

I honestly like Asuka, Rei, Misato and the rest… and I'm an Asukafag in secrecy… and a Reitard… hard to believe? I know…

Well… it was fun… Should I do '_Rei's magic pills'_? I promise it'll be even worse…

I feel sad for not including Shinji Kaworu bareback… maybe some other time… but knowing that 70% of FF populations are homophobic… I'd rather not…. Or will….

My friend actually challenged me to write the worst story with Kaworu and Shinji… I hope I did a terrible job….

That's it from me… see you later…

Cheerioooo!

* * *

**OMAKE (NO PLEASE NO)** Lol… ok … suit yourself… **NO OMAKES!**


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